Friday, November 18, 2011

On marriage and divorce.

How's that for a title, eh?

Okay well I really don't know where I'm going to go with this and it might get wordy or it could be simple. That's the best part I just don't know yet. And, I'm going to try and not edit it down much, because you all want my raw emotions right? Thought so.


Very slowly over the last few weeks I've hinted that things were getting better between my husband and I. Thank the Lord on that one, right? Yes. And, for some reason I wanted to jump for joy and share it sooner but I was completely terrified to jinx it. How ridiculous right? Like, if I admitted it out loud that he came home he'd change his mind and then I'd have to tell everyone again, "Hey guys, um. He moved out...again" Not a fun time.


I kind of felt like I was living in a cave, with a new secret boyfriend that I didn't want to tell my family or friends about because well, a lot of things happened that I didn't blog about that I didn't want to be judged for taking him back. Does that make sense? I was scared that people (in my family..in my circle) would hate him forever because of xyz or they'd say "That Rachelle, she's one big ol' dummy" I mean, I'm sure more than one person did say that a time or two but then Jami who takes exactly what I'm thinking and is able to articulate it better than I, wrote this.


"well we aren't in this to look good or to "save face". we don't care to keep it secret. what holds us back from letting the secret out? really, ask yourself. because you care about what others will think of you. not what God thinks of you. we care about glorifying ourselves, not glorifying Christ. we are unsure where our identity lies, and so we hold back for fear that God is not bigger than our secret."

See.. I can't even explain why that makes so much sense to me but it does. And, if what my husband and I went through can help even one person go through a similar situation in their life, well then I did the right thing by sharing it. If Jami wouldn't have shared it on her blog, you know what? The night he left I wouldn't have emailed her at one o'clock in the morning with the words "So, my husband just left me. Asked for a divorce, what are you doing" Or something as equally stupid and nonchalant because that's what I do when I'm having an emotional breakdown and try to make light of the situation when really-- I was on the cliff, with one leg off, ready to jump.  I would love to share with you the other emails and stories I received from other women saying "Me too" Oh how I wish I could hug each and every one of you because I know that hurt. I know that horrible pain that can't go away because it's not a physical pain it's inside and it's an awful thing to go through, and if my story of HOPE helps one person cope. Then well, God had a plan for me to deal with months and months of crap to help someone else.


With the holidays coming up I'm having an extra hard time for some reason, I think mostly because this summer I had set my mind up that I was going to be a single Mom for Christmas. That in February our divorce would be final. That chances are, he would have another woman in his life. That the girls would have another woman in their lives. Makes me anxious typing out but it's whats on my plate right now. It would have been really easy to walk away and let him go. To wash my hands clean of the situation and start new with someone else and not have to work through the emotions of regaining trust, learning why it happened and what we can do together to avoid it happening again. To stop the mind movies of what happened while he was gone and to quit listening to the voices in my head that say "He's going to leave you again." Goodness gracious I wish I could get those nasty things to quit it. But all the zoloft and xanax in the world can't do it. It's talking about it, it's working through the shit (Jami's words, I told you..She's my mentor..and the divorce whisperer..Knuckle bump) so that we don't end up there again. It's HARD I can't stress that enough. I can't stress what God's doing in my heart and in my life right now and what the last few months trying to work our way uphill have been like. Amazing because we're together and working for the goal, but damn hard. I wont lie.



So.. in a nutshell. That's what's going on right now. How's that for Friday night entertainment. Life is crazy, crazy hard. But we're working through it. God's working through us. Together. I have no idea what could happen, could he leave? Yes. But like my therapist says, I could also get hit by a bus tomorrow-- I'll never know. As annoying as it is to have no set in stone answer to the rest of my life it's the best that I can do. Just have enough faith that whatever happens, it's meant to and the big guy has it all planned out for me..us.


52 comments:

Sarah @ The Bird's Papaya said...

At the end of the day, it's your life, guided by Christ...and marriage, although hard and full of flaws (great & small) it is a beautiful thing. I'm sooooo proud of you for the forgiveness and effort on your part. The rest doesn't matter.

Praying for your marriage to be strengthened beyond what you could have ever imagined!!

Also - you look freaking amazing! Frig, I wish I had your shoulders!

Bethany said...

I really admire you for putting this out there. I am another "me too". My husband asked for a divorce and left me. He was having an affair. I took him back against everyone's advice. And then...6 months later...he left again. And everyone said, "I told you so." It was so hard and so humiliating but I KNEW (only through the Holy Spirit) that my marriage was supposed to be. When he came back the 2nd time, I didn't have a lot of hope but I took him back out of obedience to God and against the outrage of family and friends. It was very hard. That was 6 years ago and God has restored what the locusts have eaten! Last week we went to a marriage seminar and I was blessed by my husband standing up and sharing his testimony and the story of our 16 year marriage and how he spent our 10th anniversary with someone else. In a million years I would have never thought that God would bring us here and He has and we are in such a great place. I know my story isn't the norm, but it can and does happen and I do believe God will bless you for it! I will be praying for your marriage!!

Jessie Saxton said...

Don't let ANYONE tell you what you should feel or do, Rachelle. YOU are the only one who knows what is best for you. "For better or worse", live those words the way God intended. I am praying for you and your marriage:)
BTW...You look so beautiful:) I LOVE the first pic of you and your hubby!
Have a great HOLIDAY SEASON with your family:)

Jessie

Trish @MomOnTimeout said...

I really don't know you and just reading this brought tears to my eyes. I visit your blog and read your post and never REALLY know what's going on behind the scenes. All I can say is that God WILL see you through this and everything else that will follow. Stay strong and keep being the best mother you can to your darling little girls. You will for sure be in my prayers.

Renewed Upon a Dream said...

Praying for your beautiful family. You are such a strong women! Thanks for sharing *hugs*

Heidi@TheCraftMonkey said...

Thank you for sharing your story with us! You are so strong and amazing! Praying for your family.

Latoya @ The Scott's Crib said...

So glad to hear things are getting better. One thing my husband and I have vowed to do is to not talk about you know like the serious stuff with our family because if we were ever in this same situation we wouldn't want anyone all up in our business saying this that and the other. I really admire your courage and your ability to be honest with your readers. It truly says alot about your strength. May the Lord continue to bless you and your husband:)

TwoThirtyFiveDesigns said...

LOVE this post. I can identify with it 100%.

Natasha in Oz said...

You are one strong and amazing woman! Bravo to you and blessings to your sweet family. What a lovely gift for Thanksgiving.

Take care and best wishes,
Natasha.

Rebecca said...

Isn't it sad that we're afraid/nervous to tell our family & close friends what is going on out of fear of judgement and "I told you so"? The people who are supposed to love us unconditionally and be our support system. I thought it was just me that held back from those I love most out of that same fear.

Only you know what is best for you. No matter what happens in the end you can say & know that you gave it your all. Best wishes to you and yours.

Michelle said...

I'm happy for you! I know, like you said, it could change at any moment, but major kudos to you for putting in every ounce possible to make this work. Marriage is HARD and I am so happy you are trying to make it work (like you said, it would be easier to walk away). If it doesn't end up working, I'm still proud of you for doing everything in your power to make it work.
I think divorce is a huge, life changing experience that affects so many people around you. So my advice to anyone when they are on the fence is to do EVERYTHING you can until you KNOW it's right, and know you did everything possible in your power.
I have been divorced, and am lucky enough to have no regrets. Knowing I did all that I could to make it work.
Sorry...I'll get off my soap box now, :) I just wanted to say I am truly happy for you and your family, in whatever endeavors come your way.

Holly @ Roller Coaster Life said...

This makes my heart so happy Rachelle! You know I just went through this same thing and every day I am so thankful to have him home! I find myself walking on eggshells though terrified that he could pack up and leave at any moment. Really makes me cherish the days hes home and really makes me take a hard look at what we fight over -- because MOST things are just not worth it anymore.

Loves!!!

Christa aka The BabbyMama said...

Wow, this is an amazing, raw, emotional post, and it touched me deeply. Your honesty and courage are inspiring!

Art Simple said...

I don't think I've ever commented on your blog before but I've been waiting for this post and I've been hoping it would turn out like this for you!! As a Christian, I believe in staying married and good for you for sticking with it no matter what other people think! :)

Comeca Jones said...

Well praise the lord!!I remembered a quote from a Joyce Meyers sermon and it went something like this: "The lord understands that trust is hard and to worry is part of giving things or people second chances. It is soooo normal and He understands us and our hearts desires step into a new level of trust! Do it afraid as long as you do it!" I am rooting and praying for success in all areas of your life.

Laura at Ms. Smartie Pants said...

I have to say I peek at your blog from time to time but don't know the history of your relationship but I identified with what you spoke about today. My advice, when those voices in your head are saying things you don't like and don't want to think about drown them out with the things your husband is doing and saying that shows he does love you and is committed. And here is the deal if you are gonna take him back you got to stay in the now, he will feel defeated if you constantly bring up the past. Doesn't mean you can't talk about how you felt and how it makes you feel now, but if he is there and trying you can't react off what he did in the past. I wish you all the best, it's tough to work out but SOOOO worth it!

April @ PolkaDots n' PinkySwears said...

Yep..I'm another that had tears reading this...
I think this is just what I needed to hear tonight.

Thank you.
& even though I don't "know" you..I love ya, girl! ;)

Mrs. F said...

Those pictures are beautiful, your eyes show how big your heart is!

Praying for peace in your life. No one has a "perfect" marriage. We all struggle, sin, and tear our spouse down from time to time. It's not the action that defines us. . .it is the reaction that matters. Your reaction to show your husband mercy and compassion is something women should be inspired by not something they should scowl at.

Proud of you! Keep on loving your HUSBAND!!!! :D

Savannah said...

This post makes my heart happy! I know it is not easy, but I am proud of you (and your husband!) for trying to work through your differences. Marriage is a lot of work and I am hopeful you will find peace - especially through the upcoming holidays. :)

Tiaras & Bow Ties - Think Smink said...

At the end of the day, all that really matters is whether you can lay your head on your pillow and know that you are right in God's eyes. I have stuck through a marriage of 13 years to a man who had a mistress named addiction. It had been a hard long road, I've been labeled the fool many of times, but I knew one truth. Marriage is a sacred vow, my marriage was and still is worth fighting for.

My husband has been clean for over 3 years by God's grace! I can understand your fear for tomorrow for I too allow that doubt to creep in as to whether he will falter again.

Praying for your family! Took alot of strength for you to share with all of us!
Hugs! Kim

Tracy's Trinkets and Treasures said...

I think you should give it all you can and hopefully it will be all worth it. Even if it doesn't end the way you want it to then at least you know you tried your hardest. Praying the best for you.

Lindsay said...

OH sweet girl, I am praying for you guys. I admire your strength. Not sure I'd have the same amount in me. Im here for you if you EVER need to talk. I can relate to you more than you know :) Xo

Anna@Directions Not Included said...

Big hugs.

Tiff said...

I just found ur blog about a week ago and am always amazed!! God is sooo very good!! We are struggling in our marriage right now and have chosen to not talk about it with others either. Mostly due to their judgement ...but im sooo incredibly thankful for your honesty and willingness to be used of the Lord. May He continue to bless your marriage as you both stay yielded to Him! Thank you so much and I will definitely be praying for your relationship with the Lord first, your marriage second, and your family third!! God bless!!

Courtney and Heather said...

Hugs to you! I think there are a lot of "us" who have been there done that. Don't worry you are not alone! Thanks for being so real.

~Courtney~

love2sisters.blogspot.com

Sarah said...

I will be praying for you and your beautiful family. Had a rough we myself...I know how it feels. God Bless!

Team Jenkins said...

cheering right now for you! in a world that would be quick to say quit (for a lot of good reasons, probably), you are choosing the harder, but more rewarding and God-glorifying thing ... you are staying. what a testimony to your kids. what a testimony to your friends. what a testimony to your Lord. just keep putting one foot in front of the other and let God illumine the path in front of you! blessings!

Lisa @ Before Meets After said...

Marriage is so hard. I applaud you for working on it. A lot of people reach a tough time and just throw in the towel and quit. All you can do is tell yourself that you've tried and done your best one day at a time. Prayers for you and your sweet family :)

The White Farmhouse said...

Piss on all those people who say you are ridiculous for trying again. When you fell off your bike did you just give up cause you hurt yourself? If you gave up on everything in life that didn't work out the first time how would you be where you are today? Some things come naturally. Other things take a while and lots of change to make them happen. Good luck to you and your hubby! I wish you the very best that life can offer you. Just keep plugging along and it will work out for the best!

-Lauren said...

You have one life. You need to be happy. Do not worry about what other people think. I have been through the ugly d word. I am proud of you for working through it. Good thoughts are with you. xo

Anonymous said...

I've been right where you are! Two years ago I went through a similar situation. We went to counseling for over a year and I finally feel like I am moving on. It takes so long to trust again. I still get nervous when I see my husband checking his phone too much. I still check phone records and email every few month. I still ask every once in a while...how are we doing together? But he knows that the trust we once had was lost and that I need reassurance every once in a while, until that trust is earned back. I feel like we are better today then we were two years ago and I am glad we made it work. I hope everything works for you as well. It will take a while and you will always have that wound but I think in the end, if you both really want it, you can save your relationship, and even make it stronger. I will be thinking of you both. Make this a great holiday season together.

Jami Nato said...

dude, you are so brave. i am so proud of you. i am proud of your husband for being a man and staying. for owning up and valuing his family. for saving your girls from heartache down the road.

now...come to KC.

Allison @ House of Hepworths said...

Rachelle, I don't judge you at all and honestly I'm so thrilled to death that you are back together. I was rooting for it to work out the entire time. I'm glad things are looking better and that you are on the right path, even though it's really hard right now. Hang in there.

xoxo

Paige said...

This is an amazing post and you should feel so very proudof yourself for putting it all out there. I am praying for you and your family.

Paige said...

This is an amazing post and you should feel so very proudof yourself for putting it all out there. I am praying for you and your family.

Carrie said...

I am soo sorry. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Kim@todayismysome-day said...

Rachelle,

I still remember the morning this summer when God woke me up at 5 a.m. on my vacation to pray for a stranger whose blog I had browsed a few times. I continue to pray for you and your husband. You are doing the best possible thing for your family by giving God a chance to work thing out for your good! I'm continuing to pray for you.

<3 Kim

Miss. Kayli said...

Wow! This really hit home! I am going through the exact same thing, I am trusting God every step of the way. My son has his father home, the least I can do is try! Many Blessings and stay positive, even when it gets hard step away take a deep breath God has his reasons.

Heather said...

Good for you Girl.. I too have been there. When you trust God, He works it out. My on and off again marriage didn't work out, but I ended up with an AMAZING man, the one God meant for me to be with. There is always another door waiting to be opened. I am praying for your marriage to be blessed by the Lord and whatever He chooses for you. And as far as judging goes...who cares. Everyone will always have an opinion, but none of that matters. You do what is best for you and your beautiful family. Thanks for having the courage to share what LOTS of us have been thru.

Brooke said...

I think the best part of this post is seeing the pictures of you and your husband with your little girls. You're both setting such a great example for them. In a world where celebrities break up at the drop of a hat because marriage was just too "hard", it's so heartwarming to see someone being honest. Marriage is work. Marriage has it's tribulations. And even if you falter, you don't have to throw in the towel. I know several couples who suffered from cheating spouses, or an "emotional check-out" and still made it through. Even if the worst does happen, at least your little girls can see their mommy and know she never gave up. She fought to the end. And that alone makes everything worth it

Kathy@ Gone North said...

Oh, I am so delighted for you. A beautifully written post. Just last week, I went browsing thru your blog to see if I had missed something in your marriage relationship. God had laid you on my heart & I thought I hadn't seen anything.
Marriage is a hard & beautiful thing, to be constantly worked at.
I have 36 yrs. & this past few months have been the hardest in all those yrs. Thankfully all is more than well, but I tell you that to say that it is constant work in progess.
Blessings on your lovely family & may your holiday season be just so full of joy that you are a testimony of God's Grace, Love & forgiveness to all around you.

Heidi said...

Rachelle-

I am praying for you and your family. Don't you worry for one moment about what others think...it doesn't matter. What matters is what your God thinks. What matters are those two beautiful girls. My husband decided to leave and there was no changing his mind. Our children suffer every day. It is heart breaking. Do all that you can to work on your marriage, because believe me, divorce is not easy. It is not pretty. You all are in my prayers!

Heidi

Elizabeth said...

This is such a hard world we live in - relationships are not like the fairy tales and I love how honest you are about that. Thanks for sharing so openly . . . some sites that really help me with this very thing
www.onefleshmarriage.com
www.thedatingdivas.com

I'm praying for you, your sweet girls, your man and the family God has given you - girl you are never ever alone!!

Jenni Swenson said...

Thank-you for reminding all of us that everything isn't perfect all the time (even when it looks that way). You are darling and talented and I wish all the best for you!

Kirsten @ Mushki Loves said...

I'm really happy for you! You have a beautiful family!

Its So Very Cheri said...

I hadn't been over for a very long time--sorry--I had no idea. You will be in my prayers.

Cheri from Its So Very Cheri

Sharon said...

Hello. So I just came across your blog, and started reading, and read about your marriage. Okay, a little history...I was married for 26 years to my high school sweetheart, and I left the marriage due to his abuse. HOWEVER>>>
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't question if I worked hard enough at it. It was clearly his "fault"; even his family was behind me. Still...who cares whose fault it was? Three years divorced, and I still think "if only..."
All I know is this.
Honey, grab your happiness when and where you can. You belong together, at this moment, with your husband and girls. If he leaves again, okay, he leaves again. You survived it once, you can survive it again. You gave-and are giving-your marriage a chance. What a lovely lesson for your girls to live and witness. If you listen to others' opinions, you cannot listen to your own wisdom. Who cares what people think? They live their lives, YOU LIVE YOURS! If there is a shred of love left, a sliver of hope, then you know it's not over. Trust me, you'll know when you're through. Now is not the time.
The very very best of luck to you, your family, and your marriage. God bless you.

Carmen @ Life with Sprinkles on Top said...

I'm so glad to see that things are looking up for you. Only YOU can make the right choices for YOU. I pray that things work out for you guys this time. :) I love the pics...so cute!

Karen said...

Your words will not be wasted. God can use anything for His glory. Your story is similar to my parents'. They just celebrated 45 years of marriage this month. I'm praying for you and your family.

lynn said...

I just stumbled upon your wonderful Blog... and then I saw this post and I knew that God led me here... I know exactly how you feel...and I am so glad that you have the courage to put it "out there". Your courageous words have helped me more than you know. Thank you for this. I will now be following and keeping your marriage (and mine) in my prayers.

lovingmomma @ Happy As A Lark said...

I have been following your blog for quite a while now, but somehow never saw the posts about your marriage & struggles until today. I am a married mother of 2. I just sat on my couch & cried as I read your posts. I don't know you, but I don't have to know you in order to feel compassion for what you have (and maybe still are) gone through. I sincerely hope that things are still getting better for you & your family. Just wanted to say thanks for sharing your story. From this, I am going to be sure I don't take my husband & our marriage for granted. I want to make it a point to show him & tell him I love him every single day...

April said...

praying for you. And you do look amazing!

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