On marriage and divorce.

How's that for a title, eh?

Okay well I really don't know where I'm going to go with this and it might get wordy or it could be simple. That's the best part I just don't know yet. And, I'm going to try and not edit it down much, because you all want my raw emotions right? Thought so.

Very slowly over the last few weeks I've hinted that things were getting better between my husband and I. Thank the Lord on that one, right? Yes. And, for some reason I wanted to jump for joy and share it sooner but I was completely terrified to jinx it. How ridiculous right? Like, if I admitted it out loud that he came home he'd change his mind and then I'd have to tell everyone again, "Hey guys, um. He moved out...again" Not a fun time.

I kind of felt like I was living in a cave, with a new secret boyfriend that I didn't want to tell my family or friends about because well, a lot of things happened that I didn't blog about that I didn't want to be judged for taking him back. Does that make sense? I was scared that people (in my family..in my circle) would hate him forever because of xyz or they'd say "That Rachelle, she's one big ol' dummy" I mean, I'm sure more than one person did say that a time or two but then Jami who takes exactly what I'm thinking and is able to articulate it better than I, wrote this.

"well we aren't in this to look good or to "save face". we don't care to keep it secret. what holds us back from letting the secret out? really, ask yourself. because you care about what others will think of you. not what God thinks of you. we care about glorifying ourselves, not glorifying Christ. we are unsure where our identity lies, and so we hold back for fear that God is not bigger than our secret."

See.. I can't even explain why that makes so much sense to me but it does. And, if what my husband and I went through can help even one person go through a similar situation in their life, well then I did the right thing by sharing it. If Jami wouldn't have shared it on her blog, you know what? The night he left I wouldn't have emailed her at one o'clock in the morning with the words "So, my husband just left me. Asked for a divorce, what are you doing" Or something as equally stupid and nonchalant because that's what I do when I'm having an emotional breakdown and try to make light of the situation when really-- I was on the cliff, with one leg off, ready to jump.  I would love to share with you the other emails and stories I received from other women saying "Me too" Oh how I wish I could hug each and every one of you because I know that hurt. I know that horrible pain that can't go away because it's not a physical pain it's inside and it's an awful thing to go through, and if my story of HOPE helps one person cope. Then well, God had a plan for me to deal with months and months of crap to help someone else.

With the holidays coming up I'm having an extra hard time for some reason, I think mostly because this summer I had set my mind up that I was going to be a single Mom for Christmas. That in February our divorce would be final. That chances are, he would have another woman in his life. That the girls would have another woman in their lives. Makes me anxious typing out but it's whats on my plate right now. It would have been really easy to walk away and let him go. To wash my hands clean of the situation and start new with someone else and not have to work through the emotions of regaining trust, learning why it happened and what we can do together to avoid it happening again. To stop the mind movies of what happened while he was gone and to quit listening to the voices in my head that say "He's going to leave you again." Goodness gracious I wish I could get those nasty things to quit it. But all the zoloft and xanax in the world can't do it. It's talking about it, it's working through the shit (Jami's words, I told you..She's my mentor..and the divorce whisperer..Knuckle bump) so that we don't end up there again. It's HARD I can't stress that enough. I can't stress what God's doing in my heart and in my life right now and what the last few months trying to work our way uphill have been like. Amazing because we're together and working for the goal, but damn hard. I wont lie.

So.. in a nutshell. That's what's going on right now. How's that for Friday night entertainment. Life is crazy, crazy hard. But we're working through it. God's working through us. Together. I have no idea what could happen, could he leave? Yes. But like my therapist says, I could also get hit by a bus tomorrow-- I'll never know. As annoying as it is to have no set in stone answer to the rest of my life it's the best that I can do. Just have enough faith that whatever happens, it's meant to and the big guy has it all planned out for me..us.